She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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