I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
