my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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