Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
