I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
