Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
