I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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