Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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