you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
