Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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