Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
