if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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