just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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