She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
