i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
