is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
