I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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