Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
