I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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