No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
