one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
