I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
