just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
