im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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