The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
