did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
