I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
