I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
