I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
