I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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