everyone is single if you try hard enough
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
