I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
