hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
