She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Someone came in the potted fern
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
