if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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