i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Someone shit on the floor
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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