Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
