On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
