Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
