I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
