Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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