I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
