the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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