don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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