i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
