i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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