sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
