Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
