I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
