I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
