I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
